


Giant Ducks and Tiny Trolls

by kathkin



Series: Fellowship Shenanigans [3]
Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 08:08:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15481398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathkin/pseuds/kathkin
Summary: “Would you rather fight one duck the size of a dragon – or a hundred dragons the size of ducks?”In which Aragorn is vexed, Frodo regrets his life choices, and Gandalf wants to befriend a giant duck. Or, the Fellowship plays 'would you rather'.





	Giant Ducks and Tiny Trolls

“Will you please _listen_ ,” said Aragorn. “I know this land better than anyone here – excepting Gandalf – the path south might be passable with a handful of rangers, but not with the present company.”

Frodo, sitting bundled up in his furs against the bitter wind, shot him a look but said nothing.

“We cannot keep dallying,” said Boromir. “We’ve wasted enough time as it is –”

“We are not _wasting_ –”

“And time is not on our side,” Boromir went on.

“If we turn west the way will be easier,” said Aragorn. “We’d make better time.”

“Turn west!” scoffed Boromir.

“The way west is open country,” warned Gandalf. “We would be vulnerable to the enemy’s spies.”

“For a few days,” said Aragorn.

“Long enough,” said Gandalf simply.

Gimli said, “if you want my opinion –”

“If I _want_ your opinion, Gimli, I shall ask for it,” snapped Aragorn. Then he sighed, and rubbed his brow, and said, “I am sorry. That was uncalled for. I am weary and vexed. Let us not speak of this any more until we’ve eaten.”

“I quite agree,” said Gandalf.

They went back to their cold and cheerless food. The fold of the land they had camped in sheltered them from the worst of the winter wind, but at times an especially harsh gust would blow through and rattle all their bones and the creaking of the thorn bushes on the slope above was constant.

Pippin said to Aragorn, “I have a question.”

“I have a question about your question,” said Aragorn without skipping a beat.

“Oh?” said Pippin.

“Does it have anything to do with the path south, the path west, or the spies of the enemy?”

“Ah, that’s a good question about my question,” said Pippin. “No, nothing whatsoever.”

“Then ask away, little friend,” said Aragorn.

“Would you rather,” said Pippin.

“Oh, no,” said Merry to himself.

“Fight,” said Pippin. “One duck the size of a dragon – or a hundred dragons the size of ducks?”

“ _What_?” said Boromir, who was roundly ignored.

“Hm,” said Aragorn. “Dragons the size of ducks.”

“Good choice,” said Pippin. “I’d take the giant duck.”

“Me too,” said Merry.

Gandalf took his spoon from his mouth and said, “how big a dragon?”

“Excuse me?” said Pippin.

“Dragons come in various sizes,” said Gandalf. “How large of a dragon is the duck equivalent too?”

“What? I don’t know,” said Pippin.

“However big Smaug was,” said Merry.

“Yes, that big,” Pippin agreed.

“Ah.” Gandalf ruminated on that for a moment and concluded, “I could take a duck that big.”

“You sound awfully sure,” said Merry. “Fought a lot of giant ducks, have you?”

“None of your business,” said Gandalf.

“How big a duck?” said Frodo.

“I’m sorry?” said Pippin.

“Ducks also come in more than one size,” said Frodo. “How big a duck are the dragons as big as?”

Pippin glowered. “A river duck,” he said.

“Oh, that’s smaller than I was picturing,” said Frodo. “In that case I shall definitely take the dragons.”

“I shall also take the dragons,” said Gimli. “I’d strike their heads off with my axe.”

“Bloodthirsty, but valid,” said Pippin.

Legolas looked at Gimli with narrowed eyes. “I shall take the giant duck,” he said, “for I am not afraid of a challenge.”

“Oh, is that how it is?” said Gimli.

“Yes,” said Legolas.

“Fair enough,” said Pippin. “Boromir?”

“I – this is – do I fight the dragons one after another or all at once?” said Boromir, resigned.

“No, they jump on you altogether like angry dogs,” said Pippin.

“Ah,” said Boromir. He considered. “I would still take the dragons.”

“I shall fight the giant duck _and_ the hundred small dragons, one after the other,” said Gimli.

“No, you can’t pick both,” said Merry. “He can’t pick both,” he said to Pippin.

“Why not?” said Pippin.

“Pardon me,” said Sam. “But if we don’t have to pick just one then I don’t want to fight either.”

“You _do_ have to pick,” said Merry.

“Why don’t you want to fight them?” said Gimli.

“Well, I’ve been thinking,” said Sam, “and given that the dragons are as small as ducks I don’t know if they’re dangerous. And the giant duck is just a big duck and ducks are friendly enough. So, I don’t see why I’d have to fight any of them.”

“Actually, that’s a good point,” said Frodo. “How do we know the giant duck is malicious?”

“The giant duck is angry with you personally,” said Merry.

“Well, the duck is angry, but you could be diplomatic and make friends with the duck,” said Pippin.

“I’ll do that, then, and then I’ll be friends with a big duck,” said Sam.

“No – no, he can’t employ diplomacy, he has to pick one to fight,” said Merry.

“Says who?” said Pippin.

“How about this,” said Gimli to Legolas. “You shoot down the giant duck with your bow – and if it isn’t dead, I finish it off with my axe.”

“Intriguing,” said Legolas. “We could then use the same strategy to kill all one hundred small dragons?”

“Agreed,” said Gimli.

“I would also like to befriend the giant duck,” said Gandalf.

“You can’t make friends with the duck and you can’t make teams, that’s not how it works,” said Merry.

“Oh, I’m _sorry_ ,” said Pippin. “I didn’t realise you were some sort of would-you-rather rules _purist_.”

“You have to _pick one_ that’s the whole point of the game!” said Merry.

“I’m sorry, this is a game?” said Legolas.

“Yes, it’s a game, you say _would you rather_ and then everyone has to pick one,” said Merry.

“Is this what you people do for fun?” said Boromir.

“Rainy days, you know,” said Pippin. Boromir nodded in understanding.

“It does _not_ sound like a fun game,” said Legolas.

“Oh, no, there’s loads of good ones,” said Merry, brightening. “Do you want to do another one?”

“Alright,” said Legolas.

“Here goes, then. Would you rather,” said Merry, “have a finger for a tongue – or tongues for fingers?”

“What?” said Boromir.

“ _What_?” said Legolas. “That’s ridiculous. I refuse to answer.”

“No, you said you wanted to do another would-you-rather, you have to pick one,” said Merry.

“It’s the rules,” chipped in Pippin.

“No, I refuse,” said Legolas.

“Pick one, Legolas,” said Gimli, glowering over his beard.

“No!” said Legolas.

“Go on and choose one, Legolas,” said Gandalf gravely.

“Choose one, _Legolas_ ,” growled Aragorn.

“But –”

“Choose one, sir,” said Sam.

“You said you would,” said Boromir.

“You wanted to play the game,” said Frodo.

“Get on and pick one,” said Merry.

In the face of such wall-to-wall exhortation from the other members of the company, Legolas began to look faintly panicked. He looked around the circle and said, “tongues for fingers. Tongues for fingers!”

“Oooh!” said Merry. “Wrong answer.”

“How can there be a wrong answer?” said Legolas in disbelief.

“I’m with you,” said Pippin, “I’d have tongues for fingers.” He wriggled his own fingers by way of demonstration.

“As previously discussed, that’s because you’re disgusting, Pip,” said Merry.

“Why would you want tongues for fingers?” said Boromir.

Pippin said, “ _well_ ,” only to be shushed simultaneously by Merry, Frodo and Gandalf. “Alright, alright,” he grumbled.

“I wouldn’t want to have a finger for a tongue,” said Sam. “I wouldn’t be able to taste anything.”

“Oh, I see, so that you can taste more things?” said Boromir to Pippin.

“No – no that’s not the reason,” said Pippin.

“No!” Frodo pointed at him sharply.

“I wasn’t going to,” said Pippin.

“This is a very silly game,” said Gimli. “I like it. Another.”

“Would you rather have no elbows or no knees?” said Pippin.

“No knees,” said Gimli. “Very good. Another!”

“Would you rather only be able to whisper or only be able to shout?” said Merry.

“Shout,” said Gimli. “Too easy.”

“I have a good one,” said Frodo.

“Out with it, then,” said Gimli.

“Would you rather fight,” said Frodo, “one Pippin the size of a troll or five trolls the size of Pippin?”

“What?” said Merry as beside him Pippin and Aragorn dissolved into laughter.

“That _is_ a difficult one,” said Aragorn.

“I shall fight the giant Pippin,” said Gandalf.

“Hang on,” said Merry. “Hang on. Is it a giant that _looks_ like Pippin or is Pippin really big for some reason?”

“I don’t know!” said Frodo. “Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters!” said Merry. “I don’t want to fight the giant Pippin if it’s actually Pippin.”

“I shall fight the giant Pippin regardless,” said Gandalf.

“I shall take that as a compliment,” said Pippin. “And I’ll also fight the giant me, because I know all my weak points.”

“You still haven’t answered my question,” said Merry to Frodo.

“If Pippin can choose that suggests the giant Pippin is a separate entity,” said Legolas.

“Actually, that _is_ an excellent point,” said Gimli. “Does the giant Pippin have Pippin’s personality, or does it just look like him?”

“Alright, alright,” said Frodo. “The giant Pippin has Pippin’s memories and personality but it exists separately from Pippin.”

“In that case I do not wish to fight the giant Pippin,” said Legolas, “as I fear he will fight _very_ dirty. No offence,” he said to Pippin.

“None taken, I do fight dirty,” said Pippin.

“I’ll fight giant Pippin,” said Merry. “I know all his weak spots too. How about you?” he said to Aragorn.

“I’m still puzzled as to how this giant Pippin situation came about,” said Aragorn. “Where did the giant Pippin come from?”

“I don’t know!” said Frodo. “Where did the giant duck come from?”

“A giant duck seems somehow more plausible than a giant Pippin,” said Gimli.

“Yes, quite,” said Aragorn. “And for that matter, Pippin having been turned into a giant would be more plausible than a giant with Pippin’s memories having sprung into existence.”

“Perhaps someone transfigured a troll into a copy of Pippin,” suggested Gandalf.

“That raises many further questions,” said Aragorn.

“You want to fight the tiny trolls, then?” said Merry.

“I haven’t decided,” said Aragorn. “Can the giant Pippin be reasoned with?” he said to Frodo.

“Well, it’s a giant with Pippin’s personality, so, no,” said Frodo.

“That seems rude,” said Gimli.

“No, it’s fair,” said Pippin between giggles.

“Then I shall fight the giant Pippin,” said Aragorn, “as I don’t want to fight five trolls at once.”

“That’s a lot of takers for giant Pippin,” said Merry. “Are we all in agreement?”

Boromir cleared his throat. “Actually, I was going to say I should like to fight the tiny trolls,” he said. “They sound like an enjoyable challenge.”

“And also you don’t have to worry about whether the giant me is me or not,” said Pippin.

“We already agreed he’s not,” said Merry.

“Welll,” said Pippin, “we agreed he exists separately from me, but if he has all my memories and my personality then he’s still _me_ , isn’t he?”

“No, he’s not,” said Merry.

“But what am I, if I’m not the sum of my memories and my personality?” said Pippin.

“Well – what? I don’t know,” said Merry.

“No no, he’s right,” said Aragorn. “The giant Pippin would still be Pippin. I shall take the trolls.”

“I’ll still fight the giant Pippin,” said Gandalf.

“I’ll continue to take that as a compliment,” said Pippin.

“But if the giant Pippin has Pippin’s personality, why does he want to fight any of us?” said Boromir.

“I’m lashing out in fury,” said Pippin, “because I’m angry about the abhorrent wrongness of my existence.”

“What are you _talking_ about?” said Merry.

“Well, think about the situation from giant Pippin’s perspective,” said Pippin. “As far as I’m concerned, I have just been transformed into a giant – but then I look around and I see ordinary hobbit sized me and straight away I’m going to realise that _he’s_ the real Pippin and I am _not_ the real Pippin but rather an abomination, and I think I would be rather upset about that and therefore it’s not implausible that I would lash out at whoever is in sight. I mean,” he went on, “wouldn’t you be upset, if you realised you were an abomination?”

“Please shut up, you’re giving me a headache,” said Merry.

“No no, keep talking,” said Legolas. “This is very interesting. Where do the five tiny trolls fit in?”

“No, they don’t exist in this scenario, they’re in the other scenario,” said Merry. “Hang on, are they baby trolls or tiny adults?”

“I think they’re tiny adults,” said Pippin. “Just hobbit-sized trolls.”

“Then how do we know they’re not just really ugly hobbits?” said Merry.

“Wait for the sun to come up,” said Boromir.

“Of course,” said Merry.

“This would-you-rather is getting out of hand and I’d like to take it back,” said Frodo.

“No, you can’t take it back,” said Merry. “It’s out in the world now.”

“But I _really_ want to take it back and stop thinking about it,” said Frodo.

“Tough,” said Merry.

“But I want to fight the giant Pippin, Mr Frodo,” said Sam.

Frodo shot him a curious look. “Really?”

“A bit,” Sam admitted.

“You just want to fight Pippin, don’t you?” said Merry.

Sam looked at Merry. He looked at Pippin. He muttered, “I wouldn’t say _no_ to fighting Mr Pippin.”

“Not that I blame you,” said Merry, “but be warned, he really _does_ fight dirty.”

“Hang about,” said Pippin, “since I’m in this one, does that mean I get to pick which member of the company I’d like to fight if I was a giant?”

“Yes, alright,” said Frodo. “Why not?”

“Then I shall fight Gimli,” said Pippin, “because I would it would make a very enjoyable spectacle for everyone else to watch.”

“I would pay to watch that,” said Boromir, laughing.

“Good!” said Pippin.

“I’d win,” said Gimli gruffly.

“Don’t be so sure, I’d be very large,” said Pippin.

“I’d slice through your ankles,” said Gimli. “Now, wait a moment. Is the giant Pippin armed?”

“Only with his fists,” said Frodo. “But he can improvise weapons, I suppose.”

“Oh, dear,” said Sam. “But if the giant Pippin doesn’t have his sword and things –”

“Yes?” said Frodo.

“Does that mean he doesn’t have any clothes?” Sam finished.

“Oh, good grief,” moaned Boromir as Merry and Pippin collapsed into helpless laughter.

“Well, congratulations, Sam,” said Frodo. “You found a way to make this _even weirder_.”

“I was only saying!” said Sam.

“I’d be so cold,” said Pippin. “Oh, my stomach hurts.”

“I could have done without the mental image,” said Gandalf.

“I was only asking!” said Sam.

“If I’d known the giant Pippin was naked I should have been far more troubled,” said Gimli. “Why did you not tell us the giant Pippin was naked?”

“You are _all_ thinking about this scenario far more than I ever did,” said Frodo.

“I never said he was naked, I was only _asking_ if he was naked,” said Sam. “Is he naked, though?”

“No! He isn’t naked!” said Frodo.

“But why not, sir?” said Sam.

“I don’t know, Sam!” said Frodo. “I don’t know, alright? I – oh, I give up,” he said, and flopped down on the ground, wrapped up in his cloak. Sam patted his shoulder in a comforting manner.

“There there, Mr Frodo,” he said.

“Oh, my,” said Pippin, still laughing. “Oh my.”

“Are you still laughing about the giant naked hobbit?” said Merry.

“No,” said Pippin.

Merry gave him a hard stare. “Are you laughing about tongue fingers? _Again_?”

“I was,” said Pippin, “I was picturing Legolas with tongue fingers.”

That set Merry off, which in turn set off most of the company. “Stop laughing!” said Legolas. “Stop laughing at me and my fingers.”

“You brought this on yourself,” said Gandalf.

“I did not!” said Legolas.

“Ah,” said Boromir suddenly. “Tongues for fingers. I understand now. You are disgusting,” he said to Pippin.

“Yes, I am,” Pippin agreed.

“I still don’t understand,” said Gimli.

Legolas said, “nobody tell him.”


End file.
